JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--01/04/2007

Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop the oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One thing all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is going to drown.

Former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, has turned down an offer to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Koop said, "It's a nice gesture... but I'm still alive!"

I stopped in on Kate Bosworth this weekend. It's no big deal. She's just had me over a couple of times for coffee and a raisin.

I saw Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner on TV. You can tell he's getting kind of old, because right now, the Playboy of the month is Estelle Getty.

At Sotheby's yesterday, Cezanne's painting of a bowl of fruit sold for $60 million dollars. When asked about it, the buyer said, "Maybe I shouldn't go to auctions on an empty stomach."

Bob Dole came out yesterday to talk about drugs. He admitted that during his college years he used cocaine... but then Coca-Cola changed its formula.

I had an interesting evening. We held a seance and contacted Grandpa. And ya know what? He's STILL constipated.

(NEWSMAN) is the classiest guy I know. How classy is he? When he blows his nose -- he doesn't look in the Kleenex.

Finally, once upon a time one foggy night, a Green Bay Packers fan was heading south from Green Bay & a Chicago Bears fan was driving north from Chicago. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The Packers fan manages to climb out of his car & survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car & says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Bears fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Packers fan walks over to the Bears fan & says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences & live as friends instead of being rivals.."
The Bears fan thinks for a moment & says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Bears fan pops open his trunk & removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Packer fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship."
The Packers fan agrees & grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Packers fan hands it back to the Bears fan & says, "Your turn!"
The Bears fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river & says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up." [Danlers, for the last]

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