JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--03/16/2006

(Editor's note: The first eight quickies are from Amanda)

Mattel says Barbie is getting a bigger waist and a smaller chest. Not surprisingly, Ken has announced wants to start seeing other dolls.

At the Grammy Awards, Keith Richards became the first performer ever to accept a posthumous award in person.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Lynne Cheney said her husband will not be a candidate for president in 2008. His heart's not in it. It's in a freezer in his office.

I had the bird flu over the weekend. It was just a 24-hour bird flu. I spent all day Sunday in the park, eating French fries near a trash can.

Chuck Norris is leaving "Walker, Texas Ranger." The 60-year-old Norris is upset because the network was going to change the name of the show to "Texas Ranger With a Walker."

What do you do if your dog's nose is cold? Put it back in the microwave for a couple minutes.

How does Michael Jackson manage to keep his weight down? He always orders off the children's menu.

(Sensitivity Training)
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are." [Gladiator]

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