JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--04/07/2005

(Editor's note: Most of what follows was submitted by [another] anonymous donor and we have no idea of its origins. The final long story is from our buddy Sassy.)

Yesterday, George W. Bush said that there is no good reason why the United States is second to last in standardized test scores. Bush said, "It is appalling that the only country that scored below us is that one next to the country shaped like a boot."

In a recent interview, pop singer Britney Spears said that she would love to marry Britain's Prince William. And the odd part is in a completely different interview, Elton John said the same thing.

It was reported today that there's a new political party being formed called the "Outlaw party" that has a 400-dollar war chest and its main goal is legalizing marijuana. Unfortunately, this afternoon they spent all 400 dollars on Oreo cookie ice cream.

It was reported today that archeologists have discovered a 2000 year-old toilet. Apparently right after they discovered it, Bob Dole said, "Hang on, I'll be out in a minute."

In an effort to keep out hackers, the Pentagon is going to install a new security system on the computers that's going identify users by their body parts, voice patterns, and odors. Apparently, when log-on is successful, the computer says, "Welcome to the Pentagon, you overweight stuttering slob."

Taco Bell has stopped airing their commercials featuring that talking chihuahua. A Taco Bell executive said, "The dog is OK as a spokesperson, but he was much better as a burritos"

Britney Spears announced that she is writing a memoir where she is going to reveal the secrets of her success. Britney won't say what the secrets are, but she says she calls them "lefty and righty."

In Louisiana, police are looking for an out-of-shape man who's been robbing local businesses while wearing a cheerleader outfit and pigtails. The police said "Be on a look out for anyone who looks like Britney Spears in 20 years."

Politicians in Montana have started a new program to end the states' water shortage by turning toilet water into drinking water. The politicians say they got the idea from their dogs.

A man in Washington state has invented a new brief case that turns into a portable toilet. Which means, folks, that from now on the guy next to you on the train using his cell phone won't seem so bad.

Finally, once upon a time, Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head."This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again." [Sassy]

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