JR's Archives of Great American Humour--04/21/2005 (A rerun, yet again. Sigh...)

What weighs eight pounds and won't be plucked this Thanksgiving? John Denver's guitar.

My doorbell rang last night. It was my mother-in-law. She said, "Can I stay here for awhile?" I said, "Yes," and shut the door.

How many men do you need for a Mafia funeral? One, to slam the trunk lid shunt

Did you hear about the blone who crashed her airplane? The runway was a mile wide, but only 25 feet long.

I buried my mother-in-law yesterday. It wasn't easy. she put up a heck of a fight.

Why do WSDR salespeople carry Tupperware lunch-boxes? So they know if they're going to work or going home.

I went out with an older woman last night. She drank, she smoked, she danced. I told her to act her age, so she died.

What does it mean when in man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? It means you haven't held the pillow down long enough.

Why do female Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why did the blonde take her scarf back to the store? It was too tight.

Once upon a time, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. |
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. |
"But how 'bout my friend?"
The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place, the grass is almost a foot tall."

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