JR's Archives of Great American Humour--04/28/2005

It was a year ago today that I lost my wife. I'll never forget that card-game.
(Editor's note: I didn't have a wife a year ago. It's just a joke...)

Met a girl last night. I asked her, "What can I give you to make you kiss me?"
She said, "Chloroform."

I have a pet alligator. I took him into a bar the other night. I asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender said, "We sure do."
I said, "Good. Give me a beer and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

You know my girlfriend Helga? She eats like a bird. She once swooped down and scooped up an entire baby goat.

I remember years ago fishing with my baby sister. I didn't catch a thing. She ate all the bait.

A woman walks into the gunshop and says, "I want to buy a shotgun for my husband."
The clerk says, "Do you know what kind he likes?"
The woman says, "No, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."

I was out at the book store yesterday looking for stuff to read about love and marriage. I had to buy two books.

I feel like going out with Julia Roberts again. I've felt like that before.

Remember that young sales guy we used to have? The guy with all the freckles? Turns out his parents were just trying to teach him how to eat with a fork.

My wife made me promise that at her funeral I would let her mother ride in the front car with me.
I said, "OK, but it'll ruin my day." (Editor's note: I don't have a wife. I have a radio. I get alot less static from it.)

Finally, once upon a time, one morning at Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion Church, a man came in on crutches. He stopped in front of the Holy Water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches! An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran to the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, " said the priest, "you've just witnessed a miracle! Tell me, where is this man now?"
The boy said, "Flat on his can over by the Holy Water."

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