JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/03/2007

This summer Microsoft is going to introduce the first portable toilet with Internet access. You know why it's the first? Because nobody wants a toilet with Internet access.

Chicago has a noise problem. The Cubs are doing their part by eliminating the sharp crack of the bat.

The government is releasing more of the new brightly color bills. I guess the Bush administration figured this was the best time to redesign money ... you know, when no one has it.

Michael Douglas says that he has retraced his family roots and has found that his great-great-grandfather was a pirate. Catherine Zeta-Jones has retraced her roots and she found that her great-great-grandfather is Michael Douglas.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is on a four-day tour of India right now. When asked why he was on the tour he said, "Sometimes I just want to feel even richer."

The team psychologist for the Cubs quit yesterday. He said, "Some people deserve to have low self-esteem."

This is prom season. I love this time of year, prom season. I can remember mine still. Rent a tux, rent a limo, rent a date ..

Yesterday England's Queen Elizabeth celebrated 55 years on the throne. I didn't even know they had a Taco Bell over there.

Finally, once upon a time, three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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