JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/05/2005

What do you call a disk-jockey who doesn't have a girlfriend? Homeless.

What do wedding anniversaries and toilets have in common? Men always miss them.

What has orange hair, big feet and comes out of a test tube? Bozo, the Clone.

A kid walked up to his grandpa and said, "Make the sound of a frog." Grandpa said, "Why?" "Cause grandma says as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyworld."

A cop caught a leper speeding. He couldn't take his foot off the gas pedal.

What does a skelton order at a bar? A beer and a mop.

Why did the leper go back into the shower? He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

British joke: What do you do if a bird craps on your car? Don't ask her out again.

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service.

What has four legs and no ears? Mike Tyson's dog.

Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes? Neither has she.

Why does Michael Jackson like 28-year-olds? Because there are twenty of them.

Finally, once upon a time, a minister, tired of tending to the needs and demands of his flock Sunday after Sunday after Sunday, decided to "play hooky."
One Sunday he loaded his squirrel rifle and headed out on a hike. He intended to walk through the woods totally alone, and just plink at any squirrels that might present themselves.
Towards late afternoon, the preacher was walking back home along an old logging road. He had long since exhausted his ammunition and had incidentally not hit one squirrel. He was feeling relaxed and refreshed. On turning a corner, however, he came face to face with one very large bear. This bear was huge, and he was eyeing the preacher as if he were one bear size bite.
The preacher dropped to his knees and bowed his head. "Oh Lord!", he said, "have mercy on me, a sinner. I have done wrong. But if I could ask just one thing of you, Lord: Lord, please make this bear a Christian!"
"I know", he continued, in his best hellfire voice, "that I was wrong to abandon my flock today. To think ill of those you have put in my charge. But please Lord: make this bear a Christian!"
At this point the preacher heard an strange thump. He lifted his eyes to see the mighty bear on HIS knees in the dirt. He massive paws came together in prayerful attitude, and the great beast bowed his head. Then the bear spoke: "Oh Lord: bless this meal we are about to receive............."

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