JR's Archives of Great American Humour--05/12/2005

My girlfriend and I broke up. She wanted to get married and I didn't want her to.

I asked my shrink to show me one positive result of all my visits to him. He showed me his BMW.

One of our former bosses is in rehab for alcohol. He's doing pretty good. They've got him standing on his own two knees.

I wore a turtle-neck sweater once. I laid on my back, I couldn't roll over.

I told my shrink, "I've got an inferiority complex, nobody notices me!" He said, "Next."

Ol' Uncle Arn told me when he was young, he lived in the country. I said, "When you were young, everybody lived in the country."

I'm a friend to those in need. People doing all right won't hang around with me.

I think my eyes are going. I can't read restaurant menus--I just order from the pictures. Last night I ordered the front of the restaurant.

Finally, once upon a time, lady was sitting in the park with her baby, cooing and cuddling, when the man on the bench across from her came over and said "I am sorry, lady, but I have to tell you that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
As the man left the lady burst into tears.
Another, kinder man on yet another park bench saw the young mother in distress and hustled over to a refreshment stand and back to the young mother. She looked up with tears in her eyes.
"Look, lady, I don't know what that guy said to you, but it isn't worth crying your eyes out," he said as he handed her a Kleenex. As she smiled hesitantly he continued "So take this and dry your eyes. And look, I even brought a banana for your monkey!" [Danlers for the last one]

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