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JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/17/2007
Today McDonald's announced that due to low profits they would be closing down 175 stores. Immediately after hearing this, Clearasil laid off over half of its work force.
It's being reported that former President Clinton is seeing a counselor. He's also seeing a waitress, a dancer and two flight attendants.
Marie Osmond turned 40 years old yesterday. She spent the day like she usually does: giving birth to a Mormon child.
J. Lo has is going to a chiropractor. She's been married so many times that she has bouquet elbow.
We had a picnic for my Uncle Earl yesterday--he turned 92, and doesn't see well. He hasn't lost his appretite. He ate half a bag...of those mesquite chips.
In New York City the first public high school for openly gay students is going to open. Their wrestling team is already doing well - they have won the division by forfeits!
Police in New York handed out 10,000 tickets for littering yesterday. 10,000 tickets! The result was 10,000 wadded-up tickets thrown in the street.
That award I got from the newspaper? In itself it means nothing. The real award comes afterward with stud fees.
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work." [Professor Ed]