JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/19/2005

There's a new business in town--a veterinarian and a taxidermist have teamed up. Their slogan is "Either way, you get your pet back."

I got a dog. It's half Lab, half pitbull. It might bite my leg off, but it will bring it back.

There's a new drive-through burial service in California. It's called "Jump-In-The-Box."

I'm on a new Valium diet. It doesn't curb your appetite, but most of your food falls on the floor.

My doctor told me "I don't know what's wrong with you. It might be the drinking." I said, "Fine. I'll come back when you're sober."

My parents threw a great going-away party for me. According to the letter.

If you're on a U.S. airline flight, why should you eat all your food? Because people are starving on Air India.

I was downtown last night--a guy fell off his barstool three times. I took him home. His wife said, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Finally, if you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do."
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for "Best Comeback Line of the Year" -- we think he'll win! [The last, C.K. Coyote]

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