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JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/24/2007
You know those "Fun Size" candy bars--they're smaller. Let's hope this idea doesn't catch on with corporate America. "Sorry to hear you got laid off, Bill. But at least you're getting a fun-size check from unemployment."
For Halloween Mom used to dress me up as a tramp. I hated it. It was terrible having to put on the high heels and the net stockings.
Mick Jaggers birthday was this week. His friends got him a lady that popped out of a bran muffin.
Anna Kournikova says that she may retire from the sport of tennis. This is bad news to the player who was rated second to last in the world.
Steven Tyler (from Aerosmith) and his wife are having a baby. This won't be easy on her. There's the drooling, the diapers - and the baby is a lot of work also.
The U.S. economy grew by 7 percent last quarter. That's the biggest increase in twenty years. Of course, the White House is taking credit for it. Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier dressed as an accountant.
The United Nations say that due to spring floods that the cocaine crop in Colombia is down by one-third. In a related story, Bobby Brown's next album will only be ten minutes long.
The oldest woman in America passed away today. She was 115. The big question is who will get her Simon and Garfunkle tickets.
Finally, once upon a time, this gorgeous blond goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions".
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightgown.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" [Lester, for the last]