JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--05/26/2005

In golf, they tell you to keep your head down. I did that. Sombody stole my golf cart.

I got bitten by a rattle snake. It was a terrible sight watching it curl up and die.

I got into a fight with a woman. I'd have won it if she hadn't started using her crutches.

My wife is kind of bossy. We went to a nudist camp--she told me what not to wear.

I've tried to reform. Week One: I cut out liquor. Week Two: I cut out women. Week Three: I cut out smoking. Week Four: I was cutting out paper dolls.

I went to a bridge party. We were having a good time, 'til the cops looked under the bridge.

Our old boss drank a bit. But, he couldn't be ordered around. Unless it was a round of drinks.

He was a real health nut--at home he had a set of parallel bars. One for beer, one for mixed drinks.

I got run over by a hit and run driver. The cop said, "Did you get the license number?" I said, "No, but I can recognize my ex-wife's laugh anywhere."

Finally, once upon a time, a man was struck by a bus on a busy street. As he was lying near death on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathered around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
A policeman checked the crowd and yelled, "Is anyone a priest?"
Out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I've been living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I overhear their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
He knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice, "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72. . ." [Lynn for the last one.]

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