JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/15/2006

They say Keith Richards has fully recovered from his brain injury and returned to his regular self -- a 112-year-old rock star in critical condition.

Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Wyoming last weekend. He told the graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't they might shoot someone in the face.

A South Dakota couple has won the $117 million Powerball Lottery jackpot. With that much money, they can now afford to live in another state.

I played Little League baseball. That's when I chewed my first tobacco. I was the first little leaguer to throw up in the on-deck circle.

Roles have a way of sticking to you for life. It happened to me after our 2nd grade play. My classmates still call me "Tree."

(Jock's) been having trouble with Japanese beetles. I suggested a medicated shampoo.

How do you know you're dating a real cheap-skate? He suggests you go dancing at The Gap because they have loud music, lots of mirrors-and no cover charge.

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

Finally, once upon a time, a banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too." [Gladiator for the last]

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