JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/16/2005

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice got stuck in my nose.

I've found my purpose in life. It's to serve as a warning to others.

I saw a weird bumpersticker on a kid's car. My hockey Mom can beat up your soccer Mom.

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed I was on the Titanic as it was going down. All the lifeboats were non-smoking.

Why should you always finish your coffee? Because there are people in India sleeping.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Why are men like guns? If you keep one around long enough, you're going to want to shoot it.

I tried to pick up a girl last night. She said, "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma."

Finally, once upon a time, the captain of Cleopatra's 40-oared royal barge went down to speak to the slaves who rowed the vessel from down in the hold. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news," he said. "The good news is that the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and rattled their chains.
"The bad news is," the captain said, "She wants to go water-skiing."

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