JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/22/2006

One listener wants to know if I answer my fan mail personally. Of course not! I barely have time to write it.

I got two listener emails today. One says I'm stupid and the other says I'm paranoid. Now that's ridiculous. I know for a fact I'm not stupid -- and I had my paranoids taken out when I was seven.

The good old summertime begins today. Summer always begins on the 5th day of the 5th moon, so it's obvious how it should be celebrated.

Chocolate maker Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Odds makers are already taking bets on how long it'll take Kirstie Alley to gain back her 60 pounds.

I want you to know I really prepared for this program. I sat and thought about it double the usual time. Then, the light changed.

What does a McDonald's employee say to a supermodel? Would you like a fry with that?

Texas will place web cameras on the U.S.- Mexico border. It's about surveillance. This will allow Americans to monitor whether or not illegal aliens are late for work.

The police department today will ask the city council for new squad cars. The police say, with new souped up cars, they could get to the accidents faster than the lawyers.

Once upon a time there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." [Farmer Ron for the last]

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