JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/23/2005

I tried to pick up a girl last night. I said, "Are you free for the night?" She said, "No, but I'm reasonable."

I got a bill from my doctor yesterday. It said, "This bill is one year old." I sent back a note saying "Happy Birthday."

Reasons I'm not married anymore: number 37--I had a brass band at our wedding. It was the one I slipped onto her finger.

My girlfriend Helga is an identical twin. You can tell them apart, though. Her brother has a mole on his cheek.

I have trouble remembering faces. I left mine at home four times last week.

Reasons I'm not married anymore number 38: I came home one night. She said, "The dog ate the meatloaf I fixed for us tonight." I said, "It's OK, I'll get you another dog."

I think animal testing is a bad idea. They get nervous and get all the answers wrong.

I was an only child, and it wasn't easy. Lots of games are hard to play--like "catch." Man, that was tiring.

Finally, once upon a time, I was at one of those restaurants where they serve buffet-style and everyone sits wherever there's an empty seat. I was at a table with couple from Sterling, Rock Falls, and Shabbona. The guys were trying to be really courteous to their wives because it was a special night out. But, it went very badly for one of them.
The guy from Sterling asked his wife,"Would you like some more honey, honey?" The guy from Rock Falls asked his wife, "Would you like some more sugar, sweetie?" The guy from Shabbona asked his wife, "Would you like some more milk, cow?"

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