JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/29/2006

Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a new law making "In God We Trust" Florida's official state motto. "In God We Trust" just barely beat out Florida's other state motto, "Where Are My Teeth?"

Vice President Dick Cheney says pulling out of Iraq would be the "worst thing we could do right now." He's got a point, if U.S. troops leave who will protect all of his co-workers at Halliburton?

In a new videotape broadcast today on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden named fallen terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Al-Qaeda's "Employee of the Month" for June.

If it weren't for Abner Doubleday, we wouldn't have major league baseball. And if it weren't for the Cubs, Chicago would have major league baseball.

What's thirty feet long and smells like urine? The country line-dance at the nursing home.

I've taken up jogging. I figure it's the only way I'll hear heavy breathing again.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting on a podium? Mike.

I was desperate last night, a called a "live-sex" number. I got a girl who stuttered. It cost me $1500.

Finally, once upon a time, a golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes, as they make the turn,the golfer says to himself, "Ï'd give anything to sink this next putt. Ä stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?
"The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, Ökay"and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life? " The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure. "He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger m oves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?
"The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from now on your will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you,"says the golfer. "Ï'm Father O'Malley."

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