JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--06/30/2005

Reasons I'm not married anymore #39: My wife asked me, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

Once I muttered a few words in church and found myself married. A few years later I muttered something in my sleep and found myself divorced.

Reasons I'm not married anymore #40: My wife said, "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." I said, "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on."

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

I tried to pick up a girl last night. I said, "Say..." She interrupted. "I am not your type ... I am not inflatable."

I'd would like to be a volcano... smoke all day and people say ... look he is working!

One out of four people is Chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.

The owner told me it's OK if I read the paper during working hours. He's hoping I'll check out the job ads.

Finally, once upon a time, a man wasn't feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor came out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man interrupted. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

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