JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--07/06/2006

A pregnant Britney Spears appears nude on the cover of Harper's Bazaar. Walt Disney rolled over in his urn.

And don't forget, the winner of our big first annual (Newsman) look-alike contest will receive a free brown paper bag with eyeholes.

Why did God invent rain? To give dead people something to complain about.

You've met my girlfriend, Helga? She's kind of ugly...She's so ugly that Ladies Room attendants ask her for an ID.

I got a sweater for my birthday... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

Younger girls have been approaching me lately. They want me to buy them cigarettes.

I think animal testing is a bad idea. They get nervous and get all the answers wrong.

When I was a kid, our parents had fire-drills. We all had assigned tasks. My dad grabbed the pets, my mother grabbed the jewelry, my sister ran for help, and they told me to save the washer and dryer.

Finally, once upon a time, a man was struck by a bus on a busy street. As he was lying near death on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathered around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.
A policeman checked the crowd and yelled, "Is anyone a priest?"
Out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a preacher. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
He knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice, "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72. . ." [Lynn]

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