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JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--08/02/2007
I got to make this quick today. My fan club is meeting this morning and I promised I'd play checkers with him.
Sources say that Michael Jackson is so deep in debt that he had to borrow $70 million from friends this week. Which is difficult because most of Michael's friends make money selling lemonade.
A new Muslim lifestyle program debuted today on Iraqi TV. It's a reality show about life in Baghdad called "Same Shi'ite, Different Day."
The sport of basketball is 116 years old today. James Naismith came up with the game as a way to keep young men away from women and out of trouble? Well, that sure worked well. Madonna said today that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Condoleesa Rice said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first."
Hardee's restaurants has a new 2,000-calorie Monster burger. It comes with a Kirstie Alley action figure.
There was a jewel robbery at Ozzy Osbourne's house. Police say it may have been an inside job. When Ozzy heard this, he became upset and asked, "Was it me?!"
On this day in 1960 two Russian cosmodogs returned to Earth, the first living creatures ever to return from outer space. The dogs indicated it was a great trip, but next time they'd like to stick their heads out the window.
Finally, once upon a time, a flight was getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck." [Gladiator for the last one.]