JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--08/16/2007

In baseball news, this Saturday at Wrigley Field is fan appreciation day - but only if one shows up.

Harrison Ford is going to star in another "Indiana Jones" movie at age 65. There's one exciting moment in the movie where he claps and the lights turn on.

I'm starting to have my suspicions about Barry Bonds. He went bowling yesterday and rolled a 400.

President Bush was asked if he has a plan to make the U.S. dollar stronger, and President Bush said, "We're thinking maybe two-ply."

Nearly 75 percent of older Americans say they're in favor of legalizing medical marijuana. You thought Grandma's house smelled funny before ...

I ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

Britney Spears and K-Fed have both maintained 50-50 custody of the babies. One takes care of Britney. The other takes care of K-Fed.

I was thinking how I'd like to keep this show until I can sock away enough money to be financially secure and enjoy life and not work. Then it hit me -- I'm enjoying life and not working now!

My neighbor has no civic pride. I swear his front lawn would never get cut if it weren't for my sheep.

Some sad news. The CEO of Krispy Kreme donuts was fired yesterday. Apparently he had no idea it was coming, and when they told him, his eyes just glazed over.

Finally, once upon a time one night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then the other side.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

By this time the woman was becoming interested and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote." [Sassy]

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