JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--09/01/2005

I've never fallen in love. I have stepped in it a few times.

I'm not having much luck with relationships. As soon as they copy all my CDs, they're gone.

My girlfriend and I broke up. She sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed. I sent them to her Dad.

Our company has a new health plan--become a Christian Scientist.

You know how smokers who won't quit always say "I could get hit by a bus crossing the street." I figure if you quit smoking, you could cross the street a lot faster.

I was in a bar trying to get lucky--hopping from barstool to barstool. There wasn't any gum under any of them.

The Kennedy compound in Palm Beach has been sold. The new owner says he'll move in once they clean out the empties.

I rented an adult video tape and recorded the Wizard of Oz over it. I figure the next guy is going to watch it and wonder "When is this Dorothy chick going to get naked?"

Finally, once upon a time in the old west, two cowboys, Tex and Bart are sitting in a saloon--down to their last dollar and wondering where their next drink is going to come from. Suddenly, a third coyboy bursts in, carrying the severed head of an Indian and hands it to the bartender, who promptly thanks him and gives him $100. The cowboy leaves.
Tex asks the bartender why he paid $100 for an Indian's head. The bartender cried, "Those renegades raided my ranch, murdered my wife, stole my cattle, and burned my house down. I pay $100 for every Indian head brought it."
Tex, realizing their opportunity to make some desperately-needed money, said to Bart, "Let's us go Indian hunting."
Bart said, "But, we don't have any guns, or knives, or any weapons..."
"Don't worry," said Tex. "Just follow me."
The two ended up crouched in the dirt in a dry gulch, and soon enough, along came an old Indian, riding a small pony. Having no weapons whatsoever, Tex picked up a rock, aimed carefully, and flung it. It hit the old Indian in the head and he fell to the ground dead. Tex ran off toward the body.
As Bart lay crouched in the dirt, a horse's whinny behind him drew his attention. He turned and saw 100 heavily armed Indians on horseback glaring their way. "Tex," he called out. "You'd better take a look back here."
"Not now, Bart," said Tex.
Bart said, "I'm serious, Tex. Turn around and take a look."
Tex turned around slowly, took a look, and cried, "Man! We're gonna get rich!!!"

[The last, courtesy of an anonymous donor. I don't think it's him.]

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