JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--09/07/2006

Now, today's redneck tip. Remember, four out of five lifestyle experts agree: September is the best time to rotate the tires on your house.

This just in. A new study shows that half of Americans are having sex at work -- and the other half are standing outside smoking.

I'm the radio station fire warden. Which means, if the fire alarm sounds, I make sure the boss's golf clubs get out safely.

The sales force here has found a whole new source of easy money. I just read this: "This portion of the Morning Show is brought to you by a sponsor who is paying big money NOT to be mentioned on my show.

This was the summer in 1974 Richard Nixon became the first U.S. president to resign from office. It's just too bad more politicians can't accomplish great things like that.

Barbara Walters of The View said she will not see any more of Mel Gibson's movies. Mel responded by saying, "There goes one $3.00 senior discount matinee ticket."

This just in. A tank car filled with laughing gas derailed in (distant town) early today. No one was hurt. In fact, everybody thought it was funny.

Just think, before I got into radio, nobody knew who I was. Today, millions of people don't know who I am.

One morning St Peter looked up and saw a large group of at least 1000 folks converging on the Pearly Gates. Never having had this large of a group in such a long while he ran to God and asked him what to do.
God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible storm and flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for this large number from New Orleans showing up at once."
St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"
God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."
S. Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"

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