JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--09/08/2005

What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck in his head? Doug. What do you call a guy without a shovel stuck in his head? Douglas.

What do you call an Irishman who looks forward to the spring? Paddy O' Furniture.

A skelton walked in a bar and said "Gimme a beer and a mop."

I tried to pick up a girl downtown. I said, "Hi, honey, want a little company?" She said, "Why? Do you have one to sell?"

A blonde gave birth to twins. Her husband is out looking for the other guy.

A blonde walked up to the library counter and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian said, "I'm sorry, this is a library." The blonde whispered, "Oh. Can't I have a burger and fries?"

My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster.

I used to think I could pass gas silently. Until I got my hearing aids.

Finally, once upon a time, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball is, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night." [The last from Gladiator]

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