JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--10/11/2007

An aircraft carrier will be named for the late President Ford. The Navy wanted to name a ship after President Bush. But they were afraid it wouldn't be able to change course.

Notre Dame really put a whippin' on the UCLA Bruins. They hit one UCLA player so hard he thought he was playing for the ACLU.

I played football in high school. In fact, when I graduated, they retired my stretcher.

Our team was so bad the quarterback's number was minus-14. The running back was minus-36!

Actor David Caradine is 67 this week. He still does kung fu, but it's getting harder for him to meditate without falling asleep.

Me? I'm an (Dallas Cowboy) fan. And I will be as long as they have such great halter tops.

Why don't women over sixty have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

Julie Andrews has just turned 72. She's singing a new song now: "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the Metamucil go down."

Finally, once upon a time I was in a chemo ward in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A few minutes later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. We both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. for quite a while before I had the strength to raise my hand and point to myself and say, "JR."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Jerry."

This act tired us out so badly it was an hour before I summoned up the strength to say, "Disc Jockey."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Plumber."

Once more, the strain was too much for us both and we passed out. Another hour passed before I managed to again point to myself and say, "Sterling"

The other guy replied, "Rock Falls."

Another hour later, I managed to point to myself again and rasped out weakly, "Cancer."

He nodded weakly and replied, "Sagittarius."

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