JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--10/12/2006

A tape of this program will be sent to the Radio Hall of Fame -- where it will be placed under a statue of Paul Harvey that's kind of wobbly.

I played football in high school. In fact, when I graduated, they retired my stretcher.

Elton John is launching his own fragrance. And what guy doesn't want to smell like a 60-year-old gay pop singer?

Halloween approaches. What's the difference between Dracula and the Cubs lineup? Dracula can control his bats.

Christmas has hit the stores already. One store has jack-o-lanterns that go "Ho-ho-ho."

A president can't fool all the people all the time. That's why we elect a president and a vice president.

Times are tight. It's getting so doctor and lawyers can no longer afford each other.

What's the hardest thing about being a Packers fan? Eating a hot dog with a bag over your head.

Finally, once upon a time, a man comes out of a bar and walks unsteadily to the bus stop. The nun ahead of him in the line looks him up and down, and sighs. "The demon drink!", she mutters.
"What? I was just in for a couple of pints watching the football!" says the man.
"Just a couple of pints?" says the nun.
"Well OK, we won, so I had a couple of brandys, too".
"Hard liquor in the afternoon! There's no hope for you."
"And I suppose you're an expert on hard liquor?" he says, "drink a lot of it at the convent?"
"Of course not, we never touch it!".
"Well then, you don't know what you're talking about. Come inside with me, I'll buy you a brandy, and if you don't like it, I'll quit drinking myself."
"I couldn't be seen entering a public bar..."
"I'll bring one out to you!", he says.
"If anyone saw me drinking in the street..."
"In a coffee cup!" he says.
So in he goes and says to the barman "Give me a large brandy in a coffee cup, please.", and the barman says:
"Don't tell me that nun is out there again!"

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