JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--10/13/2005

My wife was having our first baby. I said, "If it looks like you, it would be great." She said, "If it looks like you, it would be a miracle."

I went to the doctor. I told him, "You gotta help me! I can't stop my hands from shaking!" He said, "Do you drink a lot?" I said, "No, I spill a most of it?"

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vaccuum.

I went in for some tests. The doctor called with the results. He said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." I said, "Let me have the good news." He said, "We're going to name a disease after you."

I thought my boss was an idiot, so I quit to work for myself. My new boss is an idiot, but at least I like him.

I had a good wife once. Then she went home to her husband.

Why did the wife shoot her husband with a bow and arrow. She didn't want to wake the kids.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. Nobody was there.

Finally, once upon a time, Donald Rumsfeld was giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands.
Finally, the President looked up and asked, "How many is a brazillion?" [For the last, Gladiator]

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