JR's Archives Of Great American Humour--11/02/2006

In honor of an in-studio visit from Don Mertes and good-sport-lawyer-son Jim. Jim came "armed" with Morning Show Radio Host jokes and told them with perhaps a bit more gusto than the host might have preferred. In the script below, Jim is "JM." Mary Carlson is "MC."

(JR): What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

(JM): What's the difference between a morning radio talkshow host and a penguin that can balance a beach ball on its nose? The penquin has talent.

(MC): What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket.

(JM): What do Nasa's Apollo space program and JR's record collection have in common? Neither one of them has seen any advancement since 1972.

(JR)Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

(JM): How do you get 50-thousand people to turn off their radios at the exact same moment? You announce that JR is about to begin joke day.

(JR): What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Hummer.

(JM): What do the old television show Dallas and WSDR's morning show have in common? JR is the character that everyone loves to hate.

(MC) What do you call 100 lawyers sky-diving out of an airplane? Skeet.

(JM): What's the best thing about waking up to JR's joke day on your radio alarm clock? The snooze-button.

(JR): What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.

(JM): And now, This Day In History--On November 2nd, 1880, James Garfield was elected president of the United States. On this date in 1914, Great Britain annexed Cyprus. On this day in 1956, Israel captured Gaza, and on this date in 1972, JR bought the most recent album in his entire record collection.

(JR): Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

(JM): The grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Jimmy, you be first." she said. "What does your father do all day?"
Jimmy stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful," said the teacher. "And how about you, Steven?"
 Steven stood and said, "Well, my father is a mail-man."
"That's excellent, Steven, thank you," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced "My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution."
Well, the teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject. Later that day, she angrily marched to Billy's house and rang the doorbell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded the father's full explanation.
"Oh, alright," Billy's father said. "I'm actually WSDR's morning radio show host, but how in the world do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


(JR): Finally, once upon a time a barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

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