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JR On WSDR--Miscellany
Limited Edition Illinois Barbie--[Gladiator]
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Illinois Market:
(Insert your town here) Barbie: This (foreign language)-speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for (your town) Barbie or Ken.
Skokie Barbie: This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings, and 1 ankle bracelet. Included are permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell phone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.
Bloomington Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Rockford Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Peoria Barbie: The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don¹t know what you are talking about.
Freeport Barbie: Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Highland Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Vinny, Ken's "cousin" plays softball 4 nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances to share in the Bud Light club of girlfriends. Mr. V's attachment sold separately.
Barrington Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Peoria Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes to small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Chicago Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print Bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
Joliet Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Peoria Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Champaign Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Waukegan Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.