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I Think Santa's A Woman--[Opsimath]
I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she...
Think about it, Christmas is a big, organized, warm , fuzzy, nuturing social deal and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it off.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are frozen in a time warp until 3 p.m. December 24th, then they, with amazing calm, gather with other procratinating men and go on a last minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they only seem to find hunting gear, socket wrench sets and motor oil left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but not so. Most men consider it an enormous relief because it reduces the 11th hour decision making burden.)
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia pet under the tree... still in the bag.
Another problem for the He-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Secondly, even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and would refuse to stop and ask directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened - having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't read their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything resembling "a bowlful of jelly."
I suppose that as long as we have each other, good will and peace on earth, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is...
I just wish she would quit dressing like a guy.